1.11am in the morning,Sunday 24th of Sept 2006,still awake,in front of the com screen typing out watever random stuff I felt like typing again.Yes i know that alot of ppl actualy abuse their blogs expressing their anguish and frustrations and I myslef am no exception,haha, wat a world this is.
Well, today my intrnet suddenly went off in the afternoon and I practically had nothing to do, so I went to play basketball again for abt 2 hours...am still thinkin of which basketball club I should be joining....quite a hard decision if u ask me...should I even be joining it in the 1st place?
My fren reminded me,to try and concentrate and do 1 sport at a time, its very true of him.I reckon I'm a person whois very good at giving up ever since i was small.I've tried so many things b4 but I never master even a single one of them, namely, swimming, basketball, bowling, tennis, badminton, ping pong, calligraphy,art, guitar and so much more.And i always blame my parents for not givin me the chance to learn music instruments,if not my life now would hav been much better. That might be partially true due to my lack of talent and coordination even though I "suposedly should" have the genes but yea when u dun reach a certain level in a define time u sure get discouraged and here I am today still derectionless and still givin up so easily cos i dun think its fair for some if not most ppl who dvlp their skills so much more faster than I with the same amount of time,but yea,the world is not fair and it aint the 1st day that i know this fact but i still repeat my mistakes, i truly know there's only 1 way to stop this vicious cycle thats is only my sheer determination and nothing else but to get that determination is not easy.
Anyway,I think I'll be signing up for Jap classes in uni afterall.It'll b a 4 hour class per wk and hopefully that's a decent preparation for me to goto jap nex yer if all goes smooth.Initially goin to class is an issue bcos i really wanted to get a part time permanently....but seems taht most of my applications,enquiries and interviews din go as smooth as i planned...well at least the outcomes were negative...except becoming an exam invigilator which will take up my normal research hours so i decided that if i cant get the starbucks job i'll completely stop lookin for new jobs.I think it's better to use it to dvlp my basketball skills and spend more time on language...afterall i dun wan my ams yer to be too hectic.
This week, one of my fren in the lab turned 30.So wish her happy B'day!!!And thanks for the dinner.Speaking of which, it was one of the weirdest dinners i've ever had.Well, weird in a sense that i din feel very comfortable.Why?Cos i'm the only asian there,and apart from another fren's neice,i'm pretty sure the others were in the range of 25-35 of age. Also, there's like a Brazilian, 2 Czechslovakians (or watever u call them), 2 english (I beliv) and the others are all italianos.I felt so out of place and very hard to mix into the corwd though during the meal i somehow manage to talk to some of her frens since there was some common topics...but that requires them to hav some knowledge of asian culture and religions plus their willingness to listen to me speaking.But thru all this,i realised how lacking i am in terms of my social skills and knowledge.I guess the more u dun go out and talk to other ppl or get exposure the more u'll b left out and feel useless cos everyone is movin forward while u still stand there or merely walking.Sometimes i blame the environment(which is justifiable) but partly its bcos my myself.So I took the effort the nex day to talk to an Italian chic while walkin to the city and later talked to another american girl who was competing with me for a job position and even treated her bubble tea but haha deep down i know i'm gona loose the job opp bcos her n in fact i did....yes i did talk to them but i know that probably is the last time ever i'll ever even c them again...i wish i was better at expressing myself but i suppose there r juz things that u cant change...at least not easy.
To be honest,I dun really like weekends nowdays.It 's good to b able to get some rest but its boring as ever.Mayb its bcos i cant find the right person to connect to,to hang out with and to hav fun together.I really hate weekends,n nobody seems to understand that...perhaps yea like some guy said this b4...if one is able to survive thru solitude then one will gain the strength to bcome stronger huh...perhaps thats true but juz the process itself is killing u huh.I did a personality test n its really quite accurate...n the prob with me is bcos i lack the ability to finely express myself or charm thats why i'm juz an ordinary nice guy who can hav many frens but no soul mates.Yea and i'm glad that at least thur these yers in melb i was glad that i found a few of them who supprted me thru thick n thin.Domo arigato.
Leavin aus n comin to uk is my decision as i've sacrificed alot along the way and would probably hav sacrificed more if i din come,thats wat i tot. It's a yer of reflection and it made me realise alot of things that i long forgotten in the yers that hav passed by.Yes i am pathetic and if god exist ,he/she hasnt treated me that nicely all this while....but to me...it doesnt matter to me anymore...i'm juz tired n sick of it for the time being....cos whenever i found courage n reason...obstacles come n knock me down hard...as if they enjoy watching u fall n fall again...but yea life is not easy afterall...its a journey rite....there'sno destination...they r merely stops in between.
I dun expect anyone to comprehend wat i'm blabbing, in fact i dun expect anyone to read my blig these days since its been clouded by such -ve auras. But i'd juz like to say this to whoever it is, if u enjoy watchin me fall, if u r gona bring me down then giv it a try! Bring it on!
One day,eventually, i'll b regaining my composure and come bck,juz like how i used to be!
"That's why I'm here.I am everyone else ...too." (HNG ch 189)
Perhaps a bit different.
P.S.
For those lucky buggers in melb, happy hols,enjoy ur trip whever it may b or enjoy rotting at home.Man, 11wks down, 27 more to go huh.
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